Holiday Stress & Anxiety: Tips from Dr. Amy Moore & Sandy Zamalis
About this Episode
What if you could navigate holiday stress with a little more ease? This episode of the Brainy Moms podcast promises to equip you with insightful strategies for beating those seasonal pressures.
Holiday family dynamics can be a minefield, but Dr. Amy and Sandy have got you covered with thoughtful approaches to a little more harmony. As families expand and evolve, coordinating plans can become more challenging, especially when loved ones are absent. We talk about fostering meaningful connections, managing grief, and ensuring everyone feels included. Plus, we tackle the topic of holiday indulgences, offering tips for moderation and meeting dietary needs to keep celebrations joyful and stress-free.
We share our personal experiences and solutions, from the practical benefits of a Christmas share account to the art of mindful budgeting, ensuring you minimize the dreaded post-holiday debt. Discover cost-saving ideas such as gift exchanges and the three-gift rule, and learn how to strategically use Black Friday and Cyber Monday to your advantage without losing sight of what truly matters.
Embracing intentional holiday planning can transform how you experience this festive season. We explore how balancing activities and downtime can enrich children’s school vacations. Redefining traditions to reflect personal desires allows for a more authentic celebration filled with gratitude and kindness. By prioritizing what truly brings joy, you can shape a holiday season that strengthens relationships even amidst inevitable challenges. Join us!
About Dr. Amy Moore
Dr. Amy Moore is a cognitive psychologist at LearningRx in Colorado Springs, Colorado, at the headquarters of the largest network of brain training centers in the world. She specializes in cognitive training and assessment for neurodevelopmental disorders like ADHD, brain injury, learning disabilities and age-related cognitive decline. Her research has been published in peer-reviewed medical and psychological journals and presented at conferences around the country. She has been a child development specialist, education administrator, and teacher of teachers with a PhD in psychology and a master’s degree in early childhood education. Dr. Amy has been working with struggling learners for 30+ years in public, private, and government organizations, so she knows a little about thinking and learning. She is also Editor-in-Chief of Modern Brain Journal, a TEDx Speaker, host of the Brainy Moms podcast, and a board-certified Christian counselor. Dr. Amy is married to Jeff Moore, a retired Air Force fighter pilot now working as a surgical nurse. They have three incredible sons (ages 19, 23, and 25) and a very mischievous but soft Siberian cat. Originally from South Carolina, Dr. Amy has called Colorado home since 2006.
Website: www.AmyMoorePhD.com
Watch her TEDx talk, Lessons Learned from Training 101,000 Brains
Read her research: https://www.learningrx.com/brain-training-research/
About Sandy Zamalis
Sandy is a brainy mom of 2 who loves co-hosting our show! She’s a Board Certified Cognitive Specialist and the owner of LearningRx Staunton-Harrisonburg in VA where she spends her days improving the lives of struggling students through brain training. Her diverse background includes being a USA Swimming Coach, probation officer, homeschooling moms, and small business owner in 3-D printing and scanning. Sandy has been married for 26 years and is her passion is helping families understand learning challenges so that children can find success and confidence. Find Sandy on TikTok @TheBrainTrainerLady.
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Read the transcript for this episode:
DR. AMY: Hi, smart moms and dads. Welcome to another episode of the Brainy Moms podcast brought to you today by LearningRx Brain Training Centers. I’m Dr. Amy Moore, and I am here with Sandy Zamalis, and we are going to talk about holiday stress. So there was the study put out by the American Psychological Association about this time last year that said, nine out of 10 people experience some sort of increased stress over the holidays. And so it’s happening, right? Like we are entering into holiday season or in the middle of holiday season, and I think we ought to talk about some ways that we can mitigate some of that stress, why people are experiencing stress, what causes that. Let’s give our listeners maybe some tried-and-true tips that we have. Hi, Sandy.
SANDY: Good morning. I always feel like this time of year is a gauntlet, right? It’s just a gauntlet, especially if you have school-age kids, because there’s just so many events that you’re trying to put into your schedule. There’s family expectations. There’s all of the things to do, food to cook, cleaning, decorate. I mean, the list goes on and on and on and on. So, I think maybe what we should talk about is, you know, what are some of, what are some, maybe the top topics that we find that people really think are causing some of that stress?
DR. AMY: Yeah, so I think one of the top stressors is money.
SANDY: Sure.
DR. AMY: Right? I mean holidays—
SANDY: Especially in an inflation year.
DR. AMY: Yeah. But I mean, if you think about it, it costs money to entertain during the holidays. It costs money to participate in gift exchanges. It costs money to buy gifts for family, for your kids, for your friends. It costs money.
SANDY: To travel.
DR. AMY: To travel. Absolutely. And so, you know, being able to work all that into your budget is stressful, right? Deciding what your budget is can be stressful. Realizing that your budget is probably a lot smaller than you want it to be is stressful. So money, I think is one of the top stressors.
SANDY: So that’s a great point. So years ago, my husband kind of made me open up a Christmas-share account as I know most banks have like a Christmas share account like a little envelope that you put money in every month. You can’t touch it until they give it to you back into your checking account in October. Have you ever used something like that?
DR. AMY: Nuh-uh.
SANDY: Just something where at least you’re saving money for the occasion. That has been really, really helpful. I don’t know that I went into that willingly, but my husband’s an envelope guy. He’s very much—
DR. AMY: Oh, a Dave Ramsey?
SANDY: Well, not even, I think even before Dave Ramsey, but he’s just very much, I mean, likes his envelopes. Like he’s got, he’s got a performance fund cause he’s a car guy. Right? So money goes into that. We’ve got the savings envelope and the checking envelope and the Christmas fund, you know? So yeah, he’s just an envelope thinker. And I am not that. I’m a, like a whole-pot kind of thinker, so. But you know what? It’s really nice when that money gets put into the checking account in October and it’s like, “Oh, all right, this is my money. This is what I can spend for the holidays and I don’t have that stressor anymore.” So that has been really helpful. Have you guys used a strategy on the money side?
DR. AMY: So, you know, early on when the kids were little, I used to just spend and spend and spend right. I would take their list. I would buy everything on their list because I wanted my kids to feel excited about Christmas morning. And then I would spend three months working down the Christmas debt. Right? So I’d spend January, February, March, and sometimes April when my tax refund would come in, paying off the credit cards from overspending at Christmas. And so one year, it’s probably been, you know, 15 years ago, you know, Jeff said, “Why don’t we look at our finances before you start spending for Christmas and only spend what we have so that we don’t have to spend four months and our tax return paying off Christmas debt?” And so then that made me start to think I wasn’t even intentional in budgeting, right? I was just buying off the list, super irresponsible. Um, and so, yes, right. So now I, you know, I look at our finances in the fall and go, “Okay, what’s reasonable, you know, what won’t put me in debt?”
SANDY: Yeah. I’ve had friends do kind of like for family, like gift exchanges to try to keep the cost down for gifts to family and friends. One of my very good friends—I know in the, maybe this was a thing at some point in the church community—but they would do like the three-gift rule. You know, like something they want, something they need, and I can’t remember what the third one was. But kind of like that, you know, gold, frankincense, and myrrh kind of idea. And that helped them keep the cost down on the gift giving. Cause it does, it gets so expensive. Especially as they get older, because their wants get more expensive, their clothes get more expensive, the things they need get more expensive.
DR. AMY: Yeah, absolutely.
SANDY: That’s a real battle. Are you a savings, like a, you know, coupon shopper, try-to-grab-the-savings kind of person?
DR. AMY: I didn’t mean to laugh. I wanted to go, “Have you met me?”
SANDY: Well, but I’ve never been shopping with you. I’m an online shopper.
DR. AMY: Me too. In fact, the meme that says, “Hey, I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you don’t need anything from Amazon,” that is the meme that speaks to me, right? No, I do shop on Black Friday because I think the deals are really good on Cyber Monday. The deals are really good. The problem I’m having is my kids are all adults now and they won’t give me a list of things they want in time to shop on Black Friday. So that’s, that’s a little frustrating too. But I think, I think that the, we have to set boundaries. And so boundaries are healthy for relationships. Boundaries are healthy for finances. And so we just have to sit down as a family, as a, you know, unit with our spouse or significant other, or if, you know, if you’re a single parent, then you get to be in charge of what those boundaries are, right? And say, “All right, what does this look like for us?” And, you know, “How much debt are we willing to incur and why are we willing to incur debt for Christmas?” And for some people, it might be okay. “Because we want to party it up. We want it to be big and bold and bright and fireworks. And we’re willing to go into debt for that.” And that’s okay, right? Like if that works for your family, as long as you guys are on the same page as you know, partners and spouses. And that’s okay. But that’s not okay for everybody.
SANDY: Yeah, so your big recommendation there is you really need to have a conversation with your partner or spouse and say, “All right, what does this need to look like for us so that we both feel comfortable with how we celebrate the holidays and the money that we’re about to spend?”
DR. AMY: And that’s great advice for communicating about anything big. Right? That, I mean, money creates conflict in many families, in many families. And so, if we can reduce some of that conflict by having just open conversations about it ahead of time, rather than putting out a fire later, then I think that’s great advice.
SANDY: Yeah. Well, talking about boundaries, let’s talk about the schedule. How do we put boundaries around all the things that we have to try to get accomplished during the holiday season?
DR. AMY: Yeah. So I love that you bring that up because I like to include this in something I like to call “The holiday shoulds.” We should RSVP yes to every Christmas party we’re invited to because we’re great friends. We should, right, we should participate in all the things because that’s what you do during the holiday season. And so I think that we have to get rid of that thinking that there is such thing as a holiday “should,” right? Holidays should fit our wants and our desires and our needs and our vision for what we want holidays to look like in our family. And so we got to put aside that idea that we should do anything. So there’s this thing in ACT therapy. Actually it’s called Act therapy, but some people use the acronym or use the initials ACT, and it’s called the choice point. And so what that is, is like a fork in the road. And so one direction is moving towards what you want and the other direction is moving away from what you want. And so if we look at setting boundaries on our time during holiday seasons, and we use this choice point and we say, what is it that we want for the holiday season?
SANDY: What are you trying to move towards?
DR. AMY: Yes. Do we want holidays to be about connecting with family? If that’s our vision, then we have a choice to make. We got this invitation to this big holiday party and it means we’re going to miss our kid’s Christmas play, or it means that we’re going to have to give up our, you know, family game night. So then we say, “All right, is attending this party going to move us towards our goal of holidays being about family connection, or does it move us away from the goal of family connection over the holidays?” And I think that that helps us set boundaries.
SANDY: That’s a really, really good point. What do we do, though, for family events?
I think those are the harder ones to set boundaries around. I feel like that’s always a huge negotiation with immediate family to figure out, you know, what that’s going to look like. And often it changes, you know, sometimes every year, depending on family and life circumstances. But certainly, you know, every five or so years, things change. I know I remember when my kids were little. When they were really little and it didn’t matter, we would go visit family on Christmas and we would stay with them. And then on Christmas day, you know, they would open all their gifts, you know, wherever we were. But at some point my husband and I had to have the conversation because we were four hours away from either of our families. So we had to choose, is it going to be my family this year? Is it going to be his family this year? And we had to sit down and decide, “You know what? I really want our kids to wake up in their own house on Christmas morning and then we’ll figure out the rest, but we’re not going to go anywhere, at least on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. Now we’ve had to renegotiate that since because and even my kids as they got older, like we, they would open their gifts at home on Christmas day, but then, because my sister-in-law was relatively close, and our family could gather there for dinner, we would then leave and go to the dinner, but it was still a drive. It’s like a two-hour drive to get there. Um, and then my kids started to balk at that because they would be in the middle of their new things and all of a sudden, you know, yank them out and make them look pretty and take them to dinner with the family. So we had to renegotiate that a little bit at some point. So it feels like it’s always a negotiation. So how do you have those hard conversations with family to try to set boundaries around family gatherings?
DR. AMY: Yeah, those are hard. I mean, family conflict is another one of the major stressors that people experience during the holidays. Because not everybody wants holidays to look the same.
SANDY: Right.
DR. AMY: So again, what do you want your holiday season to look like as your core nuclear family? And then use that choice point. So is if my kids waking up on Christmas morning in their own beds is what I want Christmas day to look like, then use the choice point, right?
We’re not going to go to the grandparents to spend the night on Christmas Eve because that moves us away from my vision of them waking up in their own beds. But what does it look like for Christmas afternoon? I don’t know. Like you have to use what your family culture looks like in setting that vision, right? And when your kids love driving two hours, then go drive two hours. But when your kids are fighting and kicking and screaming and saying, “We just want to be here in front of our fire in our pajamas playing with our new toys,” then is it worth it to dress them up in the itchy dress and the stuffy suit, stick them in a car for two hours for them to go eat yet more turkey? I don’t know. Like, to me, that seems miserable.
SANDY: Yeah. I totally agree. Which is why we had to renegotiate.
DR. AMY: Right. And isn’t it easier to invite people to your house when you’re the one with all the kids than it is to pack the kids up and go to Grandma’s?
SANDY: Yeah.
DR. AMY: Sometimes.
SANDY: Sometimes. Yeah. It was always harder in our family. Like my mom and my brother lived in the same community. So like the larger gathering was there. So it was whether we were joining that gathering or not joining that gathering. Whereas, you know, on my husband’s side of the family, both of them were long drive, so it was like a meet-in-the-middle scenario because we were just trying to help meet in the middle. But even this year, now my kids are way much older. They’re in their late twenties. And my husband and I were just talking the other day about how, you know, it’ll be interesting this year because inevitably, they’re going to find partners, get married, have children. And then what is that going to look like? How are we going to negotiate that?
DR. AMY: Yeah, we were just having the exact same conversation because all three of my boys have met their girls. Right? So they’ve met the girls that they’re gonna, you know, have long term. And so what, you know, I actually texted my oldest and said, “Okay, so my assumption is that you guys are going to split your time between our house and her house on Christmas Day.” And assumptions are dangerous, right? But I didn’t don’t know how else to phrase the question, just to confirm that. Luckily all the girls, all three girls’ families, live in the same town as we do. Right? So it would be easy to split time, you know, and communicating, “Okay, what time are you all having dinner, and maybe we can adjust our dinner.” And my boys are boys. They’ll eat two dinners. I don’t know if the girls will, but I know that, you know, a couple of Thanksgivings ago they did dinner at one house and dessert at the other families, right? So that we were able to put our, all the parents were able to put their eyes on their adult children, you know, for a couple of hours, at least, on holidays. But then I think we have to hold space for the grief that comes from knowing that we won’t always have all of our kids with us on every single holiday once they’ve found life partners.
SANDY: Well, let’s, yeah, let’s talk about grief because I think that’s probably in the top five, I’m sure for holiday stressors. Lost loved ones or just not having family around cause they’ve made other choices. How do we manage that grief aspect of missing loved ones over the holidays?
DR. AMY: So I think that it’s important for us to honor those who were grieving and honor our own grief. I don’t think that we need to stuff it down or try to not think about the fact that this is my first holiday season without my dad, for example, because he died in April. I think that it’s important for me to recognize and for my mom to recognize that loss. “Oh my gosh, this is the first Christmas without him and this is really hard.” And then, maybe even make space for a conversation, “Hey, do you remember the Christmas when the kids were three and, you know, he gave everybody a piggyback ride” or whatever, you know, our favorite memories of him, whether it was during the holidays or not. Right? But to be able to honor that loss and that space and the person that you’re grieving, I think that makes people feel really good and seen. I think it’s important for people to feel seen in their grief and not just pretend like, “Okay, you need to be happy because it’s a happy holiday.”
SANDY: Yeah. What about grief of being alone during the holiday season? Do you have any recommendations, for example, if you’re a single parent and it isn’t your year to have the kids over the holidays? Or you just, for whatever reason, find yourself alone during this time?
DR. AMY: So, I think, I think that it’s important to learn how to sit with that feeling, right? To be able to say, “Man, this is hard. This is hard. And I’m suffering right now because I am missing my kids or I am missing the person that, you know, I’ve lost.” And then at the same time, how can I engage in a meaningful way instead of staying alone today, right? So can I go volunteer at church or can I go volunteer at the homeless shelter or the soup kitchen? Or can I invite myself to a friend’s celebration? Right? And I think about that. If I had a friend who was alone, hopefully, I would think I would invite them anyway, but let’s say that I was clueless and did not invite someone who was alone, but they called up and said, “Hey, can I join you for Christmas dinner since I don’t have my kids this year and I’m alone?” Of course I would say yes, like come be with us. And so I think that we just get to be a little bit brave in those moments, right? And say, “Can I join you?” Because social connection is really, you know, the balm to that wound, you know, to help get us through.
SANDY: And maybe even flip that around and don’t assume that everyone has plans and maybe make a plan to invite friends that may not have a place to be for the holidays to your house. So that you can, if you’re someone like me, I like to do things for people in that way. So I would, I would love to cook for people. I would feel probably awkward and I would have a harder time, but I would definitely be more inclined to just make a dinner and invite as many people as I could think of that might want to come that might have nowhere else to go.
DR. AMY: Yeah, absolutely.
SANDY: Yeah, but I agree. I think it’s important to find ways to connect, even if it’s just for a small window in the day. And maybe find things you enjoy doing. I know I’ve had a couple years where I’ve been, you know, alone or not. Not necessarily in the holidays, but I’ll choose to do something like go to a movie and just be around people. You’d be shocked how many people go to the movies on the holidays, but you could go to a movie, see a show, just find something to look forward to.
DR. AMY: Yeah. Something that brings you joy.
SANDY: Yeah. Something that brings you joy. Let’s talk about food and alcohol issues. I think that’s probably more prevalent now than ever before, because of so many food allergies and all of that kind of different diets and intolerances. How do you navigate that during the holiday season with family, with doing family events, trying to get through the onslaught of cookies and alcohol.
DR. AMY: Yeah, so that’s another top stressor, right? And so, you know, in terms of food, my advice is always to do everything in moderation. And so just because there are so many, some amazing sweets during the holidays doesn’t mean that you have to eat all of the things. So my friend, who we spend every Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner with, makes the most amazing desserts and she does not just make one dessert. She will make four, five, six, seven different desserts and they’re all phenomenal. And so I will take a bite of each of them, not a slice of each of them, right? So I want to be able to taste them and sample them, but who can eat seven? Well, okay. Let me rephrase because my boys will fill their plates with slices. But the rest of us who struggle to maintain a healthy weight, right? Like just take a bite so that that way you can savor it. You can mindfully eat that bite. You know, where you say, “Wow, the texture of this is so amazing. The taste of this is so indulgent.” Right? Like mindfully focus on that one bite of that dessert. And it’s like having a full piece of it, right? You don’t have to have, you know, 1900 calories of sugar. You can have 200 calories of that sugar.
SANDY: Not to mention all the inflammation.
DR. AMY: Right? Yeah, we’re gonna do another episode on sugar, aren’t we?
SANDY: Yeah, we probably need to.
DR. AMY: Yeah. And so I don’t think that we don’t have to fill our plates, right? Just sample things. Right? So that you get to participate in it, but without overindulging. Because it’s painful to go, “Oh my gosh, I gained five pounds over the holidays” or “I gained 10 pounds over the holidays and now I have to lose it.” That’s effortful, especially as we age. Yeah, if we can prevent that weight gain, you know, by really paying attention to what we’re putting on our plates. But, you know, the food allergy and food sensitivity issue is real. I have a difficult time participating in holiday parties because of all of my food allergies. And many times I have chosen to either eat before I go and then I’ll just have, you know, a sparkling water or something while I’m there. Or I’ll bring my own.
SANDY: Yeah, that’s what I was going to recommend. I just bring what I can eat and share. And that makes it easier because at least I know there’s one choice for me so that I can indulge in that.
DR. AMY: Yeah.
SANDY: Hopefully someone else brought something I could maybe fit in.
DR. AMY: And I think that food allergies, like you said, are super prevalent now. So there are, um, Places that offer those kinds of options, but I think that we have to feel comfortable saying to the host or hostess, you know, “Hey, I’ve got these food allergies. Would it be okay if I brought this dish to share, so that I know that there’s something that I’ll be able to eat?” And a good hostess will either say, “Yes, absolutely bring that.” Or, “You don’t have to bring it. I know what your food allergies are. So I’ve already got that covered.”
SANDY: Right.
DR. AMY: Right? And if the host or hostess does not give you one of those two options, then go back to your choice point, right? Is this what I want my holiday to look like? Rght? Having to go somewhere where I can’t eat anything, where I can’t bring anything of my own to eat, right? Is that what I want my holiday to look like?
SANDY: Yeah. And you could probably use that same rule for alcohol as well. Like, if, if you’re really trying to not drink as heavily over the holiday season or keep that to a minimum. You know, again, providing your own, bringing your own drink that you can enjoy is helpful so that you can engage in that and still be a part of the fun if that is one of your choice points, right? You want to be present, but you don’t necessarily have to engage if that’s not what your plan is or what you want to do for your holiday season.
DR. AMY: I enjoy putting a flavored sparkling water in a crystal glass. To me, that feels—
SANDY: Fancy!
DR. AMY: It does! And so I don’t have to have champagne in that glass right to feel like I’m participating. I’m happy to have my sparkling water in the champagne glass. And a lot of places do really yummy mocktails now. Like I was at a wedding this summer and the mocktail had, I don’t know, four different juices in it, plus, sparkling water. And I know it was beautiful. It was served in this Manhattan glass. It was beautiful. So you can participate.
SANDY: Sometimes it’s all about presentation.
DR. AMY: Yes, it is, right? Right? So then I think it’s also important to remember, okay, what does it look like when we do overindulgent alcohol? So does family conflict rise? In my family it does, right? Alcohol kind of feeds the personalities that thrive on conflict. And so if you are one of those people that becomes conflictual … (laughing) What’s the word? If you begin to engage in conflict when you, when you drink too much, is that what you envision your holiday to look like? Then maybe stop at one or two. Plus, how are you going to feel the next day? Is that what you want your holiday to look like? Do you want to spend the next day hungover instead of enjoying the time with your family? I don’t know. I just love the choice point.
SANDY: Yeah. Well, it forces you to be mindful of really of what it is you want the season to look like so that you’re getting the most out of it. And it’s like your life any given day, but the holidays shouldn’t be different. I think the problem is that sometimes the holidays, you just get roped into all of the “should,” right? So, having to really think that through, it just gets amplified. So it’s helpful to stop.
DR. AMY: Yeah. And I think that a holiday does not mean it’s a vacation to stop taking care of yourself. And so it’s super important, especially in the middle of a stressful season, to continue all of those healthy habits that you are hopefully doing the rest of the year, right? So taking care of your physical needs, you know, walking or working out, sleeping well, watching the types of foods that you’re putting into your body. Don’t stop those healthy habits, right? You can treat yourself during the holiday season, because it is fun. But that doesn’t mean that you have to do that to the exclusion of all of the great ways that you’re taking care of yourself the rest of the year. And then, you know, one piece of advice that I want people to hear is if you see a therapist regularly already, don’t stop seeing your therapist over the holidays. You don’t want to lose the traction that you’re making in therapy by saying, “Hey, I’m going to be really busy over the holidays. It’s a really stressful season. So, you know, I’ll see you in January.” Okay, well, you just said the reason why you should still be seeing your therapist. It’s a really stressful season, right? And so don’t take a vacation from therapy. That is, that is a message that I want people to hear loud and clear because you don’t, you don’t want to move backwards in your progress. And you really might want that additional support during the stressful season, right?
SANDY: Let’s, we’ve talked about a lot of it from like our own personal perspective or from a mom or dad’s perspective. But let’s talk about trying to, trying to make sure we avoid the meltdowns and the overstimulation for our kids. What recommendations do you have for those? Cause it, you know, if you can catch it early and try to avoid it, it’s super helpful. U
DR. AMY: One thing I would avoid is overscheduling. So we, we don’t want to add stress to our kids. We don’t want to exhaust our kids. What does an exhausted toddler do? They melt down, right? And so, really being intentional about how you manage the schedule while the kids are on school vacation without overscheduling. It’s very tempting to say, “Well, hey, while we’re on Christmas break, let’s do all the things!” Christmas break exists for a reason: to give kids a break. So let them, right? Let them enjoy that downtime. They need time to decompress from the semester. You know, especially those middle schoolers and high schoolers who have, you know, been going and going and going all semester. So, that’s my number one tip is to, not overschedule. And then I think it’s important then to set boundaries on what you want your holidays to look like.
SANDY: I sense a theme.
DR. AMY: Yeah, that’s our theme. And really clearly explain those to the kids. “Hey, I know that you’re off. You don’t have any homework to do. But we’re going to set a limit on the amount of time that you get to play video games. We’re going to set a limit on the amount of time you get to spend in front of the television because we still want to take care of your physical and emotional needs over the holidays.”
SANDY: I always loved planning crafts and things to do with my kids during that time, which can sometimes be stressful. So I would try not to make them like super intense or hard crafts, but just the ability to sit together and work on something together. I also really enjoyed taking that time to pick a book to read together as a family, just to be intentional. I don’t know why the holidays is a great time to do that. You can do that anytime. But sometimes I think with everything going on, it’s like a nice connection point of, you know, something to look forward to. “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever” was our favorite book to read during this time of year cause it was short.
DR. AMY: And then did you like have a discussion about it? Kind of like your own little book club?
SANDY: Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, we knew, I mean, that story we knew by heart after a couple of years, so we just enjoyed the story together. But sometimes we would pick other books as well, and that was just a fun time. And, you know, game nights are always something great to add during the holiday season too. Cause usually it’s colder, right? Nobody’s, you know, some, a lot of the sports have taken a break and it’s the time that you have together. So why not play some board games together as well?
DR. AMY: Yeah, I love that. And, you know, we would do family movie nights over the holidays, right? So Christmas favorites.
SANDY: Movie marathons. I love movie marathons.
DR. AMY: Yeah. Right. And so like the Die Hard series, you know? That original one was a classic Christmas movie. Older kids, y’all.
SANDY: Yeah. Or Harry Potter. My kids love, I mean, Harry Potter always had a Christmas element to it, and that’s like a long series. You could get through the whole thing.
DR. AMY: Oh yeah.
SANDY: But there’s so many out there to pick from and to do. But yeah, it is just that quality time, that fun time together. I used to pray for snow. Of all times. I just really love snow. Because it forces you—“Kids you can’t go anywhere.” Forces you to sit together, forces you to fire up the hot cocoa and sit around a table together, even if it’s just playing cards and try to, you know, just be together.
DR. AMY: And I like to do cooking projects too.
SANDY: Yeah, that’s always fun.
DR. AMY: And what would typically happen in our house is I would say, “Hey, I’m going to make some cookies, Christmas cookies, if anybody wants to help.” And Evan, my youngest, would inevitably want to help, right? He was always in the middle of that action and the other two go “Nah” and then within a few minutes someone else would wander in, right? “Can I lick the spoon?” “Well, no, but you can help do this, right?” I had this thing about raw egg. I know they’re pasteurized now and I know it’s okay, but I guess that’s a throwback from the ‘70s when I couldn’t lick the spoon. And so, whatever. But anyway.
SANDY: Yeah, no, I’m a total spoon licker.
DR. AMY: You’re a spoon licker.
SANDY: I will eat the cookie dough raw. I won’t even make the cookie. I was laughing with my husband. So I’m not eating grains right now. But we had, I had one of our clients, we were supporting them for their volleyball team and they were doing like these fancy cookie dough packets that then you could throw in the oven and just make cookies. Well I got like the white chocolate macadamia cookies and I’ve not made one of them but half that box is gone. I’ve eaten half the box of just the dough balls that are in my freezer. So it will be there until I, you know, for a while now, since I’m not eating that anymore, but it’s just really funny to me because some people aren’t, they won’t, you know, that egg thing gets in, is in their head and they won’t do it. I don’t know. But I remember watching Rocky as a kid. I don’t know if you remember that scene where he cracks like three eggs into a glass and drinks them raw. And I’m like, “Yeah, Rocky can do it.”
DR. AMY: People put it in their blenders and I don’t know, I just have it—maybe it’s a texture thing too, but.
SANDY: Oh, I’m sure. I’m sure.
DR. AMY: We digress. Yeah. So just being intentional about how we schedule that time, I think is super important to minimize meltdowns.
SANDY: Right.
DR. AMY: You know, and to make sure that even in the busyness that we are scheduling downtime as well.
SANDY: Yeah, and that would include, you know, don’t let them, don’t let the kids stay up too late.I mean, they still need their sleep. Because it’s just, they’ve got to maintain that schedule when school starts again. So, letting them get too off kilter on the schedule only makes getting back into school schedule that much harder. And then also, you know, managing that day-to-day. So …
DR. AMY: Yeah.
SANDY: Well, should we read a word from our sponsor?
DR. AMY: Yeah. Let’s read a word from our sponsor.
SANDY: Let’s do that.
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DR. AMY: All right. So I want to talk a little bit about managing our own expectations for the holidays.
SANDY: Good point.
DR. AMY: Yeah. You know, I grew up with a mom who had the gift of hospitality. And so every dinner that she threw, every party that she threw, was Martha Stewart perfect. Everything was beautifully arranged and decorated and the food was gourmet and it was perfect. And so I grew up thinking that entertaining and being a good hostess meant that you were a perfect hostess. That everything that you did should be perfect. And it took me a lot of years of stressing about making sure it was all perfect, that my baseboards were sparkling clean before anybody came into my house, that everything was made from scratch, that I bought nothing pre-prepared or pre-packaged. It took many years of stressing thinking that that was the expectation of what a hostess should be before I realized, my mom loved doing that. She made everything so meticulously perfect because it brought her joy. Because she enjoyed spending time, she enjoyed, it was an art. to her. That doesn’t mean that everybody has to do it that way, right? It should, hosting, hostessing, entertaining, being hospitable to others should not be stressful. It should be enjoyable, right? It should be a gift to you and to your guests. And so I think that was a really big lesson that I learned too late, really, right? I wish I had realized earlier on as a younger mom that she did that just because she loved it, not because that’s what you should do, right? It’s one of those should that you need to switch to. What do I want? What do I want to do? What is, what do I want my party to look like?
SANDY: Right. That’s such a good point. And I mean, that includes decorating. I’m a terrible decorator. Or even, you know, making all of the Christmas goodies to give away. Like in my, in my house, it was always well, in both sides of my family, really, or my, my husband’s side and my side, the amount of baked goods that get made is mind-boggling. And I felt like I needed to perpetuate that. Like I needed to make the seven different types of cookies. Make sure I made the baklava just the way Yaya makes it. Like, I’d go through the whole thing and it wasn’t until I think probably five years ago that I just said, “You know, I’m going to make the one thing that I like the best. And then if there’s enough to share, I will. And if there’s not, then I won’t. I won’t. I just won’t. And that’s okay. And then Christmas cards, Christmas cards was a big one for me too. Like getting all the Christmas cards together and making sure you have the family holiday photo. We have never, I will confess to the world, we have never had a holiday family photo taken and the guilt that I have from that. Every year I look at it and think, Ah, why don’t I ever do that? But it’s just not on my list. It never makes priority. It never hits me. The top at all. Ever. It’s always an afterthought.
DR. AMY: Well, then that’s not in your vision for what your holiday to look like, right?
SANDY: No, that’s right. That’s right. But yeah, I think like what you’re saying is you almost have to, you have to shed your childlike vision of what the holidays look like and really reframe it in your present adult vision of what you want your holiday to be.
DR. AMY: Yeah, just because that’s what your mom wanted her holiday parties to look like does not mean that that’s what they are supposed to look like, what they should look like, or what they have to look like for you, right? You get to define what you want your holiday to be. That’s the beauty of it, right? And so there’s so much freedom in that realization that you get to define it. And once you’ve defined what you want your holiday to look like, every single decision you make about the holiday season can be made through that lens. Right? It either moves you towards what you want your holiday season to look like, or it moves you away from where you want your holiday season to look like. It really makes those choices pretty simple. Now, with one caveat, you may be required to attend your office holiday party, right? That is probably an expectation that your company, unless you work for yourself, might be an expectation, and so you can’t control that. You need to focus on what you can control. So there are going to be those things where you go, “Oh, I got to do this, even though I don’t want to.” That’s life, right?
SANDY: But maybe you can just make an appearance.
DR. AMY: I do that show up late, leave early. You were there.
SANDY: You came, you participated.
DR. AMY: Make sure you talk to the boss. So they know they saw you.
SANDY: Great point.
DR. AMY: And then the other thing I want to talk about briefly is, you know how stressful the holiday season is. And so if you’re stressed, then everyone else is probably stressed too, right? So, I mentioned that study by APA at the very top of the show. Nine out of 10 people are experiencing additional stress over the holiday season. So we have to focus on being kind. It’s going to be frustrating to stand in long lines. It’s going to be frustrating to drive in holiday traffic. It’s going to be frustrating when they’re sold out of something that we wanted. And so we have to recognize that everyone else is experiencing stress as well. And if we can say, “I’m going to be kind,” then it keeps the temperature low or lower on the stressful situation rather than throwing fuel on a fire.
SANDY: I would add really focusing on adding gratitude to that as well. Trying to just be mindful every day and think about the things you’re grateful for and the holiday season will keep you grounded in that. It’ll help you be kind.
DR. AMY: And what a great conversation to have as a family right over the dinner table. “Hey, let’s everybody named three things that they’re grateful for today,” right? What a neat way to hear what people value, right? But then also to keep mindfulness. I mean, I’m sorry to keep gratitude in mind.
SANDY: A colleague of ours recently posted on Facebook like a November calendar of being grateful. And that’s what was popped up in my head. And I really loved the idea because it was someone to say thank you to every day versus the typical “thank you” things we get during this time of year. But it was a, it was a “say thank you to your medical provider today.” You know, just little things like that. Like I thought that would be really powerful if we spent the whole holiday season just thanking people.
DR. AMY: I love that. I’m going to write that down, so I don’t forget.
SANDY: Donesa, so if you’re listening, you know, it’s you.
DR. AMY: Thanks, Donesa. Okay. I don’t want to leave without saying that we recognize that sometimes the holidays can be so, so hard that you might feel that you don’t have any support and that you’re all alone. And so please get help. Don’t hesitate to reach out. You can call 988 for help. If you are just feeling like you’re at the end of your rope, don’t suffer alone.
SANDY: That’s a good way to end.
DR. AMY: Alright. Well, this was a super interesting conversation. I loved hearing how you manage the holiday season in different ways than I manage the holiday season. So, listeners, I hope that you all got some great ideas from both of us. All right. Well, thank you so much for listening today. If you like us at all, please follow us on Instagram and TikTok at thebrainymoms. You can find all our episodes on every major podcast platform, but you can go to our website at thebrainymoms.com. You can also find me on my brand-new personal Instagram, DrAmySaysGrace, and you can find Sandy on TikTok at thebraintrainerlady. If you want to see her demonstrate and talk about brain training exercises that she uses all day, every day at LearningRx, you can find her there. Don’t forget, you can check our show notes for some resources from our sponsor, LearningRx, including some free brain training exercises that you can try at home. That is all the smart stuff that we have for you today, so we’re going to catch you next time.
SANDY: Have a great week.