Why Every Family Needs a Parenting Plan (& How to Make One) with guest Kristin Buchtel
About this Episode
As a parent, do you fly by the seat of your pants, or do you have a plan in place for setting curfews, teaching your kids how to manage their money, who’s going to talk to them about the birds and the bees, who’s in charge of potty training, and all 1001 decisions we have to make about raising our kids? On this episode of Brainy Moms, Dr. Amy and Teri interviewed Kristin Buchtel, author of the book Noteworthy Parenting: How to Use Your Own Ideas to Create Your Parenting Roadmap.
Kristin tells us the benefits of creating a parenting plan and some suggestions for what should be on it. She doesn’t teach readers HOW to parent but, instead, shows them how to get on the same page, empower your parenting, and gain the confidence to be the best parent you can be.
About Kristin
Kristin is a former elementary school teacher, a mom, and a grandma. After creating a parenting plan with her husband to help them get on the same page with their kids, Kristin realized the value of this parenting tool and decided to write and illustrate Noteworthy Parenting, a book to help others create their best parenting plans. She loves hiking in Colorado, a good red wine, and visiting the Denver Zoo with her family!
Connect with Kristin
WEBSITE:
FACEBOOK:
@NoteworthyParenting
INSTAGRAM:
@NoteworthyParenting
Mentioned in this Episode
Kristin’s book, Noteworthy Parenting
Optional special offer for listeners:
Link for a free guide with tips for creating a Family-Friendly Happy Hour, and the Monthly Top 10 Parenting Newsletter
https://mailchi.mp/803ee68eb9fd/family-friendly-fun
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Read the transcript for this episode:
Dr. Amy Moore:
Hi, and welcome to this episode of Brainy Moms. I’m your host, Dr. Amy Moore, here with my co-host, Teri Miller, who is going to introduce our guest today.
Teri Miller:
We are so glad to have with us, Kristin Buchtel. Kristin is a former elementary school teacher, a mom and a grandma. After creating a parenting plan with her husband to help them get on the same page with their kids, Kristin realized the value of this parenting tool and decided to write and illustrate Noteworthy Parenting, a book to help others create their best parenting plans. She loves hiking in Colorado, a good red wine, and visiting the Denver Zoo with her family.
Dr. Amy Moore:
We’re so glad to have you with us today, Kristin.
Kristin Buchtel:
Thank you for having me. I am so excited to talk with you guys today.
Dr. Amy Moore:
So, before we get into hearing about what it is that you actually have written, tell us a little bit about yourself and how you got to where you are today.
Kristin Buchtel:
Okay. Well, I am a mom of four kids, they’re adults now, young adults, and a grandparent to almost two, my daughter is due here very shortly. So, that’s very exciting news for us. And as I was raising my kids with my husband, we did get to a point where our kids were approaching their teenage years and we were really nervous about that time coming up. There was a lot of technology that had been developed and different topics that were starting to become worrisome. It was one thing to raise younger kids, but as the kids started approaching those teenage years, we started getting nervous about that.
And we happened to be on a road trip. We were coming home, driving through Iowa and I turned to my husband and asked him, “How were you raised as a teenager?” And we found out that we had been married all these years, but we didn’t realize how differently we had been raised as teenagers. I had a curfew, he did not. I had to have a job in high school, he didn’t. My parents paid for my college education, his did not.
And realizing that at this turning point of our lives was a big deal, because thinking we weren’t going to be on the same page, especially when your kids are becoming teenagers, was just a big aha moment. So, as we drove on this trip, we started talking about what the plans would be for our kids and coming together on some of those topics and issues that we anticipated we were going to have down the road. And it turned into creating a parenting plan. Kind of a sloppy notebook full of notes, my husband eventually typed it out, but it turned out to be the best parenting compass that we had.
And the funny thing about it is, I went back to school, got my master’s degree, I taught first grade, and other parents, people I worked with, people that would come to parent-teacher conferences, as I would mention this little plan, loved the idea. Not that they wanted my parenting advice or my notes per se, but they love the idea of doing that for themselves. And so over time, my husband and I talked about putting it into a book form and that’s where I am today. I wrote an illustrated book to help parents create their own parenting plans.
Dr. Amy Moore:
So, first of all, I think that’s a phenomenal idea and probably something that most of us don’t think about until we’re disagreeing about something related to the kids. So, how much disagreeing did you do in creating the plan?
Teri Miller:
That’s a good question.
Kristin Buchtel:
That is a really good question, because I think one of the bigger topics was the curfew. And because I grew up with a curfew, I felt like that was really a necessity for the kids and my husband didn’t feel like it was. And the funny thing about it was, he was right. Don’t tell him I said that. We didn’t use it as much and I don’t know if that’s due to the fact that kids nowadays have to go through so much more driver’s ed training. It took longer for them to get their driver’s licenses. They were involved in more activities than we were, when we were in high school. We just didn’t really use that piece of it as much as we thought we would, but we did agree to have one, and we did use it occasionally, but really didn’t use it very much.
So, there was that. For the most part, we didn’t have too many things that we were really far apart on. I think the fact that you just, you say, “This is how I was raised. These are the reasons I feel like this would be a good thing.” My husband would say that, and you’d negotiate it out. I think what helped is, we weren’t doing it in the heat of the moment. I do think if our daughter came home and said, “I’m going to go out tonight.” And I would’ve said, “You need to be home at 11:30 at night.” And then she went to my husband and he said, “Yeah, come home whenever.” Then it would’ve been a big deal, because I would’ve felt undermined. He may have felt undermined at some point. And so, that’s when I think it turns into a huge deal.
Teri Miller:
Right.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Absolutely. I think the curfew issue is an ongoing battle between parents and between parents and kids. And we did not have curfews with our children. I had a very strict curfew growing up and my husband did not have any. And I hated my curfew so much that I said, “You know what? We’re going to trust our kids until they give us a reason not to trust them. And so, as long as we know where they are and who they’re with, it’s okay.” And they never broke that trust and it worked out, although we have all boys, so not necessarily as worrisome as where your daughter might be. I don’t know.
Teri Miller:
Yes.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Teri you’re looking at me differently.
Teri Miller:
No, no, I’m just saying yep, that you’re exactly right. I mean, it seems silly, but there were more worries when you know that your daughter’s been at a party and then don’t hear from her for two hours, because with the curfew thing, we did more on a case by case basis. And so, that it was like, “Hey, well if this thing is going on tonight and you don’t have anything going on in the morning, that’s okay. We know you’re going to be with these friends, just check in at this time.” And so we would say, “Just call, just check in.”
Teri Miller:
Because my whole thing was always, I don’t want to go to bed and wake up at midnight, terrified. It was always, don’t make me worry. Just don’t leave me worrying. So, just what you’re saying. But it is interesting, I mean, I’m remembering, and like right now with my teenage son, I worry way less and maybe that’s terrible, but I worry less about him being out with friends or being in Colorado Springs than I do my daughters, than I did when my daughters were that age. Anyway.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Did you and Kevin have a plan for this ahead of time? Or did you agree on that, or was this something that you decided on the fly?
Teri Miller:
Yeah, we didn’t agree on anything ahead of time. So, there was no plan. There was no plan, unfortunately. That’s why your book is so fantastic and so phenomenal. I would be full of stories of, this is so great, and I can be the poster child of how you can mess it up. I mean, there were lots of things we were intentional about.
Teri Miller:
But so speaking of that, just talk to our listeners, we’re talking about parenting plan, what is a parenting plan? What is it that you’re talking about and why is it so helpful and necessary? And I know you generally talked about your process, but just give an overview.
Dr. Amy Moore:
And what should be on it?
Kristin Buchtel:
Sure.
Dr. Amy Moore:
What types of things?
Kristin Buchtel:
Yeah, sure. Such a good question. So, a parenting plan is really thinking ahead about, I like to say, your big worries, the things that you don’t want to fall through the cracks. So, some examples of those would be, maybe you’re concerned about giving your child their first cellphone or their first iPhone or whatever, and you want to have some parameters around that. So, you think ahead of time about how you want to present that, what child protection things you’ll put on that, et cetera.
Kristin Buchtel:
It could be that you want to make sure you teach your kids the value of volunteering. So, you want to plan ahead and make sure that you lay out some opportunities and put some things on your calendar, so that that doesn’t fall through the cracks. It’s about helping your kids learn to be financially stable as you send them out into the world. So, instead of when they turn 18 saying, “Here’s all the financial things you need to learn, and here’s a checkbook, and here’s a credit card, and here’s how you manage your finances.” You break that up into pieces and spread it out over time.
Kristin Buchtel:
Having the sex talk these days isn’t just about talking about the birds and the bees, it’s talking about going through puberty, it’s talking about LGBTQ topics, it’s talking about all things that could be sexual harassment, different things that are … Obviously not all in one talk, but how are you going to spread that out over time? Starting with, “Your body’s going to change.” And moving on down the line.
Kristin Buchtel:
I tell parents to generally start with your top three concerns that you have. So, what are the things that you worry about the most or what are the things that are most important to you? Sit down and lay out a plan. I suggest having a notebook or an app, or something that is done in sections by age, so that it’s easy for you to reference. Or if you find a good idea for a 16-year-old and you still have an eight-year-old, you can just jot that down in your notes and refer to it later.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, it’s basically just your best laid plans, ideas, thoughts, wisdom. It could be snippets out of parenting books or a snippet from a great podcast like this one, or it could be advice you got from a friend in your parenting network that you don’t want to forget. So, it puts you and whoever’s helping you raise your kids, a spouse or childcare givers, it puts you on the same page. And as your kids get older, they can help you with some of the plans, how to teach them to do chores, set the table, and then they maybe they’d move into cooking. And what kinds of things would they like to learn? Or, if there’s consequences, maybe they have some say in that.
Kristin Buchtel:
And it’s all in one spot, so you can’t say you didn’t know about it or we didn’t talk about it, et cetera. So, it’s what works for each individual family and parent, to help them think ahead so that they’re not parenting in the heat of the moment, they aren’t parenting by the seat of their pants. Obviously, we can’t do it for every topic, but the ones that you do know, at least you have a good foundation. And I think it builds confidence in parents.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Absolutely. So, a couple things came to mind. One, do you talk about the division of labor as well, like which parent is going to talk about which topics and annotate that, or do you just decide as you go?
Kristin Buchtel:
I would say that would be an excellent thing to do. So, you know ahead of time that you are going to be the one … Maybe the dad talks with his sons about their growing and changing bodies. Maybe the mom talks with the daughters. You know ahead of time, so then dad’s prepared, mom’s prepared, however that works for you. In my family, my husband travels a lot for his work, so I actually did that for the boys and the girls, probably the boys may regret that, but it worked for us.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, I think you have to find the system that’s going to work for you. And if that’s a part of your plan to say … I did the potty training, so I told my husband, “You’re up when it comes to driver’s ed, because I want no part of that.” Now we ended up both doing a little bit of that, on both ends, but it’s really what your vibe is.
Dr. Amy Moore:
I like that. So, again, I had three boys and I just made the assumption that my husband was going to take care of the birds and the bees talk with the three boys, because he’s a boy. And it occurred to me to ask him one day, the kids were already teenagers, “Hey, by the way, did you ever have that talk with them?” And he was like, “I don’t know, maybe.” I was like, “What do you mean, maybe?”
Dr. Amy Moore:
And nowadays, they don’t need their dad or mom to give them that information, that information is widely available. And so then I thought, “Well, I wonder what the source of their information actually was? Do you think it’s too late to have that talk with them?” As you were talking about this plan, I thought, that would’ve been so great to have pre-planned who was going to do that and when.
Teri Miller:
Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I can think of so many issues that would have been avoided if we had had a plan, if we had had any intentionality. Okay, so I still have some youngers at home. I have grown kids. I have nine all together. So, my oldest is almost 28 and I have three grandkids from her. And then all the way down to my youngest, that just turned 10. And so, I still do, I have five at home still. So, I’m imagining, it’s not too late. I’m thinking, for listeners to imagine, how could you implement this?
Teri Miller:
Now, okay, Kristin, you have an amazing book with an amazing accompanying journal. And so, I would say, “Ooh, number one, get that.” But we can talk about that later, but imagining a spiral notebook, not spiral, sorry, a three-ring notebook. So, three ring binder, and I’m imagining pages that are different topics. I could keep it in alphabetical order. And then as magazine articles come up or I find something online that I want to print, I can put them behind that topic. So, I’m thinking like right now my teenagers, financial skills, I mean, I could create some intentionality right now about that. Driving, driving your friends, paying for your insurance. I mean, there’s so many different things that I could still be intentional about. Am I getting the gist of how we could implement that?
Kristin Buchtel:
Yeah. I think that’s perfect, because that’s exactly what it’s for, is to think ahead and to break the teaching up into little bits and pieces along the way, so you aren’t giving them so much information all at once, especially as teenagers. So, you check in with them. I love the idea of being able to give them a heads up. So, for example, with the financial situation that you brought up, maybe they’re in middle school and you say, “Hey, when you get into high school and you’re driving, you’re going to have to pitch in for gas, and so I want you to know that ahead of time.” Rather than they’re headed out the door and you’re like, “Hey, are you going to pitch in for gas?” And they weren’t expecting that.
Kristin Buchtel:
And so, it gives you an opportunity to give them a heads up, talk about it, they can mull that over and prepare for it. And then when the time comes, they’re ready. And it does, it saves so much heartache. And again, it’s not like you’re going to be Snow White singing through the forest with birds on your shoulder, and it’s a perfect teenage years, but it eliminates, I think, a lot of topics and issues that parents have, especially with teenagers, that it’s unnecessary to have so much heartache over that.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, yes on however, whether it’s a three-ring binder, however you set that up, is the perfect way, because that’s going to be how you’re going to use it. If I tell you to set it up a certain way, you may not use it. Some people like to write in a notebook, some people prefer to have it in an app on their phone. I think the only important thing is, is that it’s accessible to whoever’s doing the parenting and it’s accessible, as the kids are older, so they can look through and say, “Huh, I came in late last night and I didn’t call mom and dad. And I know we have a plan for this.” Or, “I know eventually I’m going to have to help pay for car insurance, when do I need to?” And they’re looking through. So, whatever is useful, yes.
Teri Miller:
So, you talk about that a lot in your book, about parents needing to create that unique perspective. That was one of the questions I was going to get to, because that is something that you emphasize, is coming at it from your unique family values. And so, hitting on that, I know you said there’s no hard and fast rules, but what general rules, and I’ll give you a little leading in my question here, the acronym IDEAS, what general IDEAS would you tell our listeners to look at?
Kristin Buchtel:
Sorry, I do use the word IDEAS to break down the thought process that you can go through to create these plans. So, I stands for, imagine your concerns. So, sometimes you don’t need to imagine them, the concern is the concern and it’s current and it’s keeping you up at night. But looking ahead, what are things that you want to plan for? And again, it can be things that you want to teach, like financial management. It could be talks you want to have. It could be maybe a big vacation you want to take as a family, whatever you would need to plan for ahead of time. What are those things? And you can create a big list of those. That doesn’t mean you need to do all the planning within the week, just pick those top three and then work from there, but create that list.
Kristin Buchtel:
And then the next is D. ID, and D stands for, develop your strategies. That could be brainstorming. It could be relying on how you were parented. It could be doing research, checking out some books, taking a parenting class. It could be observing other people parenting. You watch sitcoms, you see people parenting and TV shows, in movies, at the theater, at the mall, what is working for them, what’s not? Relying on your parenting network, those kinds of things. So, what are your strategies going to be? You might already know, you might already have a strategy set up, maybe for a bedtime routine, or you might not, and you might need to do some research. So, pull that together.
Kristin Buchtel:
E, is enlist others. I have a saying that I use all the time that parenting is not about keeping up with the Joneses, it’s about teaming up with the Joneses. So, if somebody is successful in getting their kids to do homework or whatever it may be, ask them, “What’s their routine at home?” Maybe there’s a snippet of that, that you can take, that will work in your family. Or, everyone in your kids’ age group is starting to get online and they’re starting to experience the internet or get phones. And you can ask one parent what plan they use. Another parent may have a good idea for, have the kids plug their phone in, in your room at night, so they’re not on it all night, or whatever it may be. Team up with those good ideas and strategies. So, having a good parenting group is important.
Kristin Buchtel:
And then, the A is for, author your roadmap, write it down. I tend to be a messy person. I love notebooks. I love to write on paper. I have sticky notes. I mean, I was a first grade teacher, I’m a fanatic of those things. Markers, gel pens, you name it. And so, my notes always have a sticky note, or like you said, cut out an article or print something out and stick it in there. So, however you want to write those notes. It doesn’t have to be an outline form or paragraph. It’s just whatever are those snippets that you’ll remember.
Kristin Buchtel:
And then S stands for solutions. So, you have your solutions, you have something that you can lean on, but under that category, I want to remember to add that you need to update them as your kids get older. You need to give them more responsibility, pull yourself back a little bit. So, update your plans, or tweak them. So, an example of tweaking those would be, going back to the curfew we had set, that we really didn’t use too much, because we did exactly what you guys do, “Just check in with us.”
Kristin Buchtel:
But I had a daughter that worked at the movie theater and part of her job was she had to work until they closed, one night a week. And it worked out for her, because of a funky high school schedule where she didn’t need to be in until later the next day, and she was able to stay, we tweaked that for her so she could keep her job. And said, “Yeah, that’s a reasonable … You can be out until one and that’s the system.” So, you have to have a little bit of flexibility too. So, it’s just, the ideas process just takes you through that mental, “Oh, that’s the process that I’m going to do to get my plans down.”
Teri Miller:
Okay.
Dr. Amy Moore:
So, we need to take a break and let Teri read a word from our sponsor. And when we come back, we’re just going to keep talking to Kristin about how a parenting plan can help families.
Teri Miller: Reading sponsor ad from LearningRx
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Dr. Amy Moore:
And we’re back talking to Kristin Buchtel, author of Noteworthy Parenting.
Teri Miller:
Yes.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Listeners, I’ve had problems pronouncing that word today for some reason, even though this podcast is all about parenting. Anyway, sometimes we have brain glitches.
Teri Miller:
Yes.
Dr. Amy Moore:
So, Kristin, in your book, you talk about the three gears of parenting. Tell us more about what that is.
Kristin Buchtel:
Okay. Sure. That’s a little bit of a different mindset to give parents as they move through the process of parenting. So, the idea is, they’re like gears in a clock. So, one clicks that moves the next one, which moves the next one, to move our parenting forward. And the first gear I talk about is family bonding and I think that’s a real foundational piece of parenting, and it’s often, I believe, overlooked. It’s a fun part of parenting oftentimes, sharing those customs, traditions, holidays, dad’s Saturday morning pancakes, those kinds of things.
Kristin Buchtel:
But those activities, those times that you spend with the kids, maybe reading books at night, et cetera, really help gel and build that trust. And I think that is the part where it enables parents to then be successful at coaching behaviors, which is the next gear. So, typically, people might think of that more along the lines of discipline, but when you look at it as a coaching, from the coaching perspective, it’s more giving the kids a heads up. Instead of just focusing on consequences, how can you head things off at the past? Or how can you look at it as, I’m mentoring, I’m teaching.
Kristin Buchtel:
Your child is upset, they’re angry, they’re throwing a fit, give them a little time to burn off that heat and that anger and then step back and have those conversations and talk with your kids. The kids know that you’re going to be there for them. You have that foundation of the family bonding, the trust. They know you want what’s best for them. It just gives you a little bit more of a positive perspective to include those things as they move together.
Kristin Buchtel:
Lastly, the last one is letting go. And I think letting go is a really hard thing for parents to do. We may teach kids how to set the table and we work with them. So, you bonded with your kids and you know that they need a part of the family meal and their part will be to set the table. So, then you move into the coaching behaviors piece, where you take time to model setting the table, and then maybe you do it with them for a while, and then, you let go of it once they grasp it.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, letting go of it sounds easy, but what if they come to you and say, “I want to move the napkin to the middle of the plate.” Or, “I want to put the silverware in the center of the table.” And they want to do it? So, are you going to let go and let them try what they think will be successful at setting the table? Are you pretty strict about wanting it to be exactly as you wish? Those pieces. And I think in letting go, it’s a practice for when your kids move out and you have to let go, and they’re going to do things on their own. You’re going to become sort of a parent consultant. They may come to you and ask for advice, but you aren’t really there to always tell them exactly as it should be. They’re going to make some mistakes along the way, et cetera.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, there’s a piece for us to learn from there too, let them make some mistakes, let them try something different. So, it’s just a continual, the gears are always moving. We’re constantly bonding with our kids. We’re coaching their behaviors as we go. We’re teaching them the financial management piece. All those things. And then it’s time for us to let go and let them do it.
Teri Miller:
I love the visual analogy, that I can just picture it. Yeah, the cogs, three gear wheels, and how those cogs intertwine and all three of them are moving each other and so intertwined. That’s really good. I like that. It’s a good visual for me.
Kristin Buchtel:
Well, and I think it helps from the standpoint that … I remember, before I went to go back to school, to become a teacher, as a parent, I always thought, you tell them once and then you end up telling them 500 times. And you’re thinking, “Are they ever going to learn?” It becomes exhausting. And then as a teacher, I learned that you model it, you do it with them, a lot of times. I mean, that first month of school is just repeating the bathroom routine and everyone practicing it and the whole thing.
Kristin Buchtel:
And it was a real aha moment for me, that it’s not just about tell them one time and then they should know it. And I think it’s a parenting misconception. I mean, we all sound like broken records at some point because we’re repeating so many times, but when you can think about it in that way, I think it helps parents take a step back and say, “This is a normal process and I’m in the one click, and we’re a little stuck on this click, but hopefully, we can keep it moving.”
Teri Miller:
Yeah. I love your vulnerability in talking about some of your experiences. Yeah, talking about chores, like you had mentioned the thing about setting the table and where do the napkins go? And whatever. And that struggle that we have as parents. If I’m teaching my kid to put the clean dishes away, for example, and the silverware has slots and you have one kid that does it and maybe puts it all away in their slots. And then, one kid that just tosses it in there.
Teri Miller:
And then, the Tupperware shelf, the Tupperware cabinet or whatever, one kid that likes to nest things, and then the lids go in their slots. And another that just, when it’s their month to do it, things are just chunked in there. And I love that you were so vulnerable and said, “I never really did come up with a great chore plan.” So, talk to us a little bit more about that, about your experiences and what things you did find that worked.
Kristin Buchtel:
Well, it’s true, I think one of my weaknesses just period, is getting chores done and keeping the house up. And so, I don’t know if it’s just that artistic mind, I’m not a real analytical type person. And I’m always in the middle of projects, so the house was always a disaster. And I was just in there painting with the kids. I loved doing stuff like that. And then it would come time that somebody was coming over and it was like Black Hawk Down to cleaning the house. I’m barking out orders. People are running. Stuff’s getting shoved in closets, et cetera.
Kristin Buchtel:
And then I would say, “This is terrible. I’m not teaching the kids.” So, I would come up with a plan. It would be a chore chart. I mean, I tried them all. And the problem ended up being, it was me. I wasn’t consistent. I wasn’t consistent with myself. I wasn’t modeling consistency all across the board. And somehow, the kids know how to do dishes now. They know how to do the chores. I don’t know how they learned it, it must have just been the random attempts and 20 times over that they finally caught on. But I can’t really claim that I did great at that piece of parenting. So, you’re right. And I thought it was important to put that in there, because that’s who I was and still am today. So, if you’re coming by, give me a little heads up.
Dr. Amy Moore:
You know what? I can completely relate to this.
Teri Miller:
Exactly.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Everything looks so perfect behind me.
Teri Miller:
Oh yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Right? I spend a lot of time on the visuals, but if you look in front of me, it’s a wreck, it’s an absolute wreck. In fact, I’m speaking at a home educators conference next week on ADHD and one of the tips is to let your kids use sticky notes. Well, I took a photograph of my own desk and the 48 sticky notes that are just everywhere, in no particular order or any sense of organization, because I have ADHD too.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Anyway, I can completely relate. And so, the rule that we have in our house is the common area needs to stay clean, but I’m tired of arguing about the bedrooms. I just was. And so, “Okay, live in it.” Is where I landed. We had our windows cleaned professionally last week.
Teri Miller:
Ooh.
Dr. Amy Moore:
And only on the outside, right? The outside. So, I figured it’s fine, they’re not going to see the bedrooms. Well, how do you think they have to get onto the third floor window exterior to clean it? They have to climb through the bedroom window, which belongs to my 17-year-old son. I was mortified.
Teri Miller:
Oh, no.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Mortified. You can’t even see the color of his carpet because there’s stuff everywhere. I’m apologizing and the guy’s like, “Oh, no, it reminded me of being a teenager. I’m like crawling under the desk, so embarrassed. So, I get it. I appreciate that as moms, we can just say, “We’re not going to get it all right.” You choose the rules that you can live with.
Kristin Buchtel:
Well, I appreciate you saying that. So now when I have the windows cleaned, I have a heads up on that. So, I appreciate you being in my parenting network, because I still have a few living at home here, so that’s good to know.
Teri Miller:
Hey, I’m just jealous you got your windows cleaned. Wow.
Dr. Amy Moore:
It was time.
Teri Miller:
Oh, yeah. I think it’s was way overdue at my house.
Kristin Buchtel:
Me too.
Dr. Amy Moore:
So, talk to us about what it looks like when you need to make adjustments to the plan that you’ve made. Okay, let me give you an example. So, before I was a psychologist, I was an early childhood curriculum specialist, child development specialist. And so, I had these grand ideas that my young children were not going to watch television. I mean, there are too many other ways that we can entertain and engage our children in learning experiences and they do not need to watch TV. Well, that didn’t really work out so well. I needed to take a shower when my children were two.
Kristin Buchtel:
Exactly.
Dr. Amy Moore:
And so, let’s put them in front of a video, so mommy can rinse off. Right? And so you can have the best laid plans, but you’re going to have to make adjustments. And so, what does that process of adjusting your plan look like?
Kristin Buchtel:
Well, I think when you’ve set a plan … And actually, when you say this, what comes to mind is, I have this one in particular parent-teacher conference, and this family was really struggling with their son and in his behavior. And they had gone and taken a parenting class and they were following it to the letter, and it was not working for them. And so as we were talking, I said, “Well, is anything working for you?” And actually, most of the plan was working, but there were a few things that weren’t working, that if they would’ve just adjusted the timeframe a little bit, instead of sticking to something that was a little bit too routine for their family life, and opening that piece up a little bit, that’s really all it took, was just sitting back and thinking, “What is the little piece here that’s not working? And how can we fix that instead of starting all the way from scratch?”
Kristin Buchtel:
There may be times you have to start from scratch. We’re all human. We all think, “My kids are only going to eat carrots and apples and they are never going to have a cookie. And my daughter’s not going to date till she’s 40.” And all those things. But when reality hits, we do have to take a step back and say, “Okay, I wasn’t expecting them to ask about sex at 10 years old. I wasn’t expecting them to go to a birthday party at five, and now they’re eating cookies and cake.” Whatever it may be.
Kristin Buchtel:
And say, “Okay, how can I tweak what I thought I was going to do and make it work for our family?” And sometimes it might even be, “I’m sorry, guys, I really thought this was going to be a good plan, having a chore chart, and it’s not. So, we’re going to try something else.” And roll with it. And it’s good for kids to see that. It’s good for kids to see that we make mistakes or we update our plan, or we tweak it, because what is happening is, it’s just not working.
Dr. Amy Moore:
So< what I’m hearing you say is the plan works for you. The plan is to help you. You’re not a slave to the plan.
Teri Miller:
Ooh, that’s good.
Kristin Buchtel:
No. Yes. Yes. No.
Teri Miller:
And then I think, talk to us about how you might have to modify, or tweak, or change that plan depending on different kids and their different events. Because I’m thinking of, there are certain expectations, or rules, or guidelines, or plans, that well fit some of my kids and that don’t work well with some of my other kids. I’ve got two teenage sons that are so different. They’re just about a year-and-a-half apart, but one is very, very academic minded, he’s extremely introverted, he’s cautious, just a very different personality. And then my other son is, personality, he’s driven, social, emotional, just run, run, run, go, do, be with friends.
Teri Miller:
And so, I’ve learned, I can’t have the same sort of guidelines and expectations and rules for them academically, socially, for joining the family, for being home with the family, for joining in on group activities. So, talk to us about that and how do kids feel about that when things are different for different kids?
Kristin Buchtel:
I think that’s great. I think that’s a really important point. And there’s a saying out there, I’m not going to be able to remember who said it, and I’m going to probably mess it up a little bit. But in general, “Equal is not exactly what that child needs in the moment.” So, an example of that from my teaching years would’ve been, one child is reading beyond grade level, they can sit and read independently, whereas, another child is still stuck on their letter sounds. So, the child that’s still stuck on their letter sounds, they need more of my attention at that point. That’s where their needs are. The other child doesn’t necessarily need my attention.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, I think in general, having the conversations with your kids over time and just that culture in your family, not everybody’s going to get the exact same down to the cent Christmas present expenditure, I can’t do that, I just can’t. And sometimes it might look like one has five presents and the other one has three. And it balances out in the end, is what I say all the time. It just balances out in the end.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, an example of that in my household is, the kids graduated from high school, they all went off and started college. And some of them went through and graduated and others have had time where they’ve taken off for different reasons. And so, what we’ve done is we charge them rent. So, if you’re not in school, you pay rent. If you are in school, you don’t. And so, they’ve come in and out of that. So, some of my kids have never had to pay rent while others have come in and out of that situation.
Kristin Buchtel:
And I think they look at it as, I mean, no one’s ever come to me and complained about that or said much. And it could be because all along it has just been, “That’s not fair.” Or whatever. It’s like, “Hey, it all balances out in the end.” And then the second that I see that it balanced out, or the other one got something that was maybe a little better, I’d say, “See, it all balanced out.”
Teri Miller:
That’s great.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, I think part of that is your culture in your family and how you manage that. And then the other part is, what makes sense? It does make sense for somebody to pay rent if they’re not in school. So, everyone thought, “Well, I guess that’s a good system.” Except the rent payer, they may not have thought that was a good system.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Yeah. I saw a sign in my son’s sixth grade social studies classroom that said, “Fair does not mean that everybody gets the same thing. Fair means everybody gets what they need.”
Teri Miller:
Ooh, that’s it.
Kristin Buchtel:
That’s it. That’s it.
Dr. Amy Moore:
And so, I’d never-
Teri Miller:
Say that again. That is so good. Say it again for our listeners.
Dr. Amy Moore:
“Fair does not mean everyone gets the same thing. Fair means everyone gets what they need.”
Teri Miller:
Gosh, that’s good.
Dr. Amy Moore:
And so, it’s okay if you make accommodations for some of your children and not for others, because their needs are dictating those accommodations.
Teri Miller:
Right. That’s good.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Or, time, or money for something, or whatever it is.
Teri Miller:
Yeah.
Kristin Buchtel:
Exactly.
Teri Miller:
The example I was thinking of was Canyon, my son that’s much more introverted, and I’ve just always had this thing that when … I didn’t create a plan. I know, I wasn’t that intentional, whatever. But we still had an expectation and it was the family thing that we have family dinner and everybody comes to dinner, and we all come at the same time and we gather and say a little prayer and we get our plates and we sit down and have family dinner together. And everybody comes. You don’t bring a book. You don’t have a phone. We have family dinner, we have conversation, we connect.
Teri Miller:
And it started to really become a fight with Canyon. And I saw some, even with my daughter, Eliza, but unfortunately with Eliza, she was the guinea pig where I was learning and I didn’t handle it well. And I would try to force her to be a part of things. And that didn’t work very well. She’s also much more introverted. And so, then with Canyon, he actually then got really upset with me at one point and said, “I’m exhausted after a day of school, I need to be away from people. It’s not good for me to be around the family.” Like, “Fine, I’ll come, but I’m not there. I’m going to cross my arms.” You know what I mean? That was just the boundary and the space he needed. He needed to come home from school and not have to be inundated with this big family. And man, that was eye-opening. I’m trying to apply that statement, it wasn’t fair that I was trying to make him do what was equal instead of what he needed.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Yeah.
Teri Miller:
And that has really changed as I’ve … Unfortunately, my older guinea pig kids suffered a lot more than the younger ones that are at home now. I’ve learned and I’m doing better. Oh my goodness and speaking about a parenting plan, your roadmap, don’t you think your older kids were the guinea pigs and you changed that roadmap as you learned things?
Kristin Buchtel:
Oh, absolutely. Yes, absolutely. I mean, hindsight is 20/20. And even now, looking back, and seeing my daughter and her husband raise my grandson and different things and stuff that they try and have learned. I’m like, “Oh, that would’ve been great if I would’ve known that.” Or whatever it is. Exactly. And I feel the same way. The older kids are definitely the guinea pigs and the younger kids benefit from that. I’m sure if nothing else, they benefit from the fact that we’re worn down a little bit more, I think.
Kristin Buchtel:
And yes, you said, you didn’t have a plan, et cetera. And I didn’t really either in the beginning and it would’ve been nice had I had this epiphany sooner. I’m sure it would’ve been more helpful, even with some of the issues when the kids were younger. But that’s what brings us to where we are today and it makes our kids what they are today. So, there is that sense of, we’re learning at the same time and that’s okay too.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, it’s not to take away from that necessarily, or make us feel like we’re not good parents, because we’re not thinking ahead. More of the mindset that there is so much more going on in society today, with society itself, also technology, that I think parenting is just so much harder. It’s not a thing where we can just do it by instinct anymore, and not that you ever necessarily could, maybe back in the crossing the Prairie days, they were just focused on survival, I’m sure at that point, but they didn’t have all this extra stuff to think about.
Kristin Buchtel:
So, I think that mental burden and load is where the parenting plan really hits its stride, because it takes those things that can be somewhat predictable, gives you confidence because you have a foundation to go from. But I don’t want anyone to think that, and I really stress in the book, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about the power in your plan. I was not perfect by any means, which you will find out by reading the book or following me. But I think it is about taking time to be intentional to the best of our ability, for sure. Which it’s going to require us to change plans a little bit here and there, too.
Dr. Amy Moore:
So, tell our listeners what the book actually is, what would they get when they order the book?
Kristin Buchtel:
Okay. When you get the book, I talk about having a pen and paper handy. It’s an active read. I have a lot of illustrations in there, because I want the book to be a quick, easy read for parents, so that they can get started on their own parenting plan. So, it’s a launching pad. It’s, here’s the IDEAS, which was the acronym we talked about earlier, to think about how you’re going to start your parenting plan.
Kristin Buchtel:
I give some road stops that talk about my situation or something that I’ve seen that relates to parenting and issues that we’ve had along the way. I have sections in there that they can take notes. I would love if anyone ever had the book and they highlighted it and they folded pages down, and they wrote in the margins. I would love to see that, because I really want it to be an active read for them.
Kristin Buchtel:
And then it correlates to the journal, the companion journal, where it’s laid out by age, so that parents can go ahead and start right away, putting their notes in there. You don’t have to have the companion journal necessarily. It’s a good launching pad if you prefer to have it online or whatever. So, I talk about not being perfect. I talk about how you can start your own parenting notes. I don’t tell people how to parent. That is the path, that’s the journey that they’re on. And there are a lot of wonderful, fantastic experts out there, I am not that. I am just the, take all of those notes, all of those ideas, all of the advice, and funnel it down into what works for you. So, it’s a lot of examples and getting people to getting their mind moving and rolling, and aha moments, so that they can start being the best parent that they feel like they’ll be able to be, and not letting those things fall through the cracks.
Dr. Amy Moore:
I love that.
Teri Miller:
It’s a delightful book, I just want to say. I mean, it is colorful, fun, really quick, easy to read. I don’t know how to explain it for people that can’t see on the YouTube video, but there are parts of it that almost have the feel of a coloring book, which sounds incredibly weird. I don’t know how to describe it, but the illustrations are just super fun. And like we talked about the gears, there’s an illustration of the gears.
Teri Miller:
And I think it’s so it’s so interactive, that it definitely invites learning on a more full cognitive level, that’s going to create change in our lives as a parent. So, whether you ever take the time to actually implement and create this wonderful three-ring binder, do the journal or whatever. If you just go through this book and read and learn and take notes, you are going to learn and retain 1,000 times more than a regular little book. Oh, because it’s like an eight by 10 size, it’s just yummy. It’s very yummy.
Kristin Buchtel:
Oh, I love that. Thank you.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Yummy.
Kristin Buchtel:
Well, don’t you get the vibe that parents, young parents today, are so overwhelmed and disheartened with parenting? And there are so many wonderful, good aspects to it, they need a little positivity. And I hope that people that read it get a chuckle out of it and amusement, and at the same time, see that the illustrations are there to demonstrate that sometimes parenting is hard. Sometimes it’s fun. Sometimes it’s silly. Whatever that may be. But thank you, thank you so much for that.
Teri Miller:
It is very delightful. Ooh, I really advocate for this book. I’m not sure there’s one I’ve advocated for more, that we’ve interviewed anyway.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Totally right.
Kristin Buchtel:
Thank you. Thank you.
Teri Miller:
Really delightful. Yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore:
And then you also have a website with lots of resources, tell listeners where they can find you and what’s available on your website.
Kristin Buchtel:
Sure. They can find me at noteworthyparenting.com and I have a blog there. I also have a guest blog where sometimes parents reach out and they have a good idea and I let them write their good idea and we post it up on the website. Sometimes, it’s authors. Sometimes, it’s a mom that lives in my neighborhood, whatever it may be. But a lot of different resources there. I have a newsletter where I do a parenting top 10 tips for the month, and those are fun. And they’re across the board for young parents, for parents with teenagers.
Kristin Buchtel:
And I really like to just plant seeds. So, I plant the seeds in that blog. I plant the seeds on everything I do for parents to go, “Hmm, I might try this. I might try that.” Or, “That gets me thinking further along the path of what I want to do with my kids.” And occasionally, I get to do podcasts like this, which is fun. And then, some speaking engagements. So, they’ll find all that information on the website there.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Excellent. Is there anything that you haven’t gotten to say, that you want to say?
Kristin Buchtel:
Actually just, I have had a great time here and thank you so much for having me. So, I think we’ve covered just about most of the things in the book. I just continue to enjoy interacting with parents and sharing those fun things and planting the seeds for them to grow as parents as well. So, that’s it.
Teri Miller:
Awesome.
Dr. Amy Moore:
All right. Well, it has absolutely been a pleasure to have you on the show today, Kristin.
Kristin Buchtel:
Thank you.
Dr. Amy Moore:
So, thank you for taking time out of your morning to be with us and offering these great insights on why it’s important to create a parenting plan and some tips on how to do that. So, listeners, if you would like more information about Kristin’s work, like she said, her website is noteworthyparenting.com. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram @noteworthyparent … Oh my goodness, I cannot say the word today.
Teri Miller:
@Noteworthyparenting, that’s her handle. Facebook and Instagram, @noteworthyparenting.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Thank you, Teri. We’ll put those links and handles in the show notes, as well as a link to her book and companion journal called…
Teri Miller:
Noteworthy Parenting.
Dr. Amy Moore:
How to Use Your Own IDEAS to Create Your Parenting Roadmap.
Teri Miller:
That’s so fun.
Dr. Amy Moore:
Thank you so much for listening today. If you loved our show, we would love it if you would leave us a five-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts. If you would rather watch us where you can see examples of what’s inside Kristin’s book, we are on YouTube and you can find us on every social media channel and platform @thebrainymoms. So, look, until next time, we know that you’re busy moms and we’re busy moms, so we’re out.
Teri Miller:
See ya.